the last hoorah

Well, geez…it is the last day of Fragile X Awareness month and the last day for this blog. I recognize that I did not super focus on Fragile X and that it was actually normal. I do not focus on Fragile X. As I have said before, it is only a small part of what makes my guys tick. I talked a lot about what they like and the things that they enjoy doing. Like you and I, there are many things that they do not like and do not enjoy doing.

Mathew, for example, does not like spicy food. Luke, on the other hand, will put an entire thing of wasabi in his mouth (he spits it out, but he has no fear of food, he also loves spicy food). Luke HATES fire alarms, smoke detectors, loud car alarms, HATES them all. Mathew, totally unfazed and usually gets a book to try to stop the smoke alarm when I burn something(thank goodness for him). Luke is the most empathetic human I have ever met. If someone is crying or upset, Luke completely takes that on. Mathew will try to comfort you, but will not cry with you. Luke does not like to draw or write in any fashion, Mathew is a budding artist with any medium. Neither of them drink soda and they really don’t care for sweets(cake, cookies, ice cream), this is a blessing and a curse, because I usually get stuck with them and I have no shame on certain days.

They love when we read together. I have been buying them book sets for Christmas and then we take the book out on CD and listen to it in the car. Mathew ‘follows’ along and it is just awesome. We have already completed the Harry Potter series, Percy Jackson series, and we are on book 3 of the Lord of the Rings series. We listen to the books and then rent the dvds from the library. I buy the series because I want them to keep these books as memories and hopefully when I am gone, someone else will read with them. If you have any recommendations, I am always looking for new ones! Up next is the Chronicles of Narnia and Diary of a Wimpy Kid and another Percy Jackson series 🙂

We definitely do not have it all together on all days. There are some days I feel like SUPERMOM and other days I am lucky that I drag myself out of bed. I don’t know how single parents do it… My house is never as clean as I wish it was and my garden is never as tidy as I wish it was and sometimes I forget things that I actually really need to remember. This month though, this month was a really amazing month. As more time passes and I continue to do this on my own I feel like I get stronger and happier. I have more of an ability to open myself up to other people and accept help when I need it(even admitting when I need it). I sit on my porch and look around me and I am amazed. This is the tiniest sliver of the world, but it is ours and it is gorgeous.

Who knows what the next year will bring? I keep seeing there are new medications for individuals with Fragile X, no gluten, yes gluten, no cheese, yes cheese…I do know that I will keep doing my best. We have recently started taking CBD oil and I have seen significant improvements in both of the guys. Luke is eating more and just generally more mellow and same with Mathew(although he always ate more than a normal person). I have no assumption that it will cure their Autism/Fragile X, but if it can take the edge off and make the anxiety a little less and the world a little more bearable without insane side effects, then I will try it. I am so happy medical marijuana is where it is today. It is going to save lives, I have no doubt. We are not there yet…we will stick to the CBD oil for a bit and see how that goes(it has only been since June).

There are 3 weeks left of summer camp and then another week and a half before school starts. I cannot wait to get back to the grind. The treadmill at work is calling me…the weight machines miss me, I just know it 😉 Plus, I have to get super ready because come January, I am going to be taking the 200-hr Yoga Teacher Training! I am beyond excited for this opportunity and amazingly blessed to be able to do it. I have to call and order wood, so we have heat this winter. I cannot wait for the time when we get to sit in the living room, with the wood burning stove crackling…literally dreamy to me. Things can only get more amazing.

This last blog is bittersweet. I will miss posting about our lives and the stories and memories it has stirred up in me. I will miss your feedback and constructive criticism…oh, by the way, my Mom wanted me to mention that when Mathew almost drowned at my sisters wedding, we were not all shit faced! I guess it was like 10:30 in the morning, but I love me some mimosas, so I am guessing I had a few and after, I probably had some more. My memory is not as solid as I wish it was, so there is a good chance I did not get all of these details 100%. Please know, I did not speak out of turn on purpose and as I told my Mom, I was recounting my drinking, not everyone else (even though I did say everyone was drinking) I am sorry.

Also, I guess I should address the drinking since I did mention it a bit. It is funny(not funny) to grow up with parents who are alcoholics, as many of us did and do. I am beyond lucky that my parents have been sober for many years and I am THE MOST PROUD OF THEM. I struggled with the IDEA of addiction for many years. By all accounts, I should be an alcoholic…but I am not. Have I had one too many drinks, one too many times, hands down, yes. I used drinking as a coping mechanism and sadly, 9/10 if someone else was drinking, I had the ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ mentality. I vividly remember drinking with my ex and I would pour drinks and I would always give myself more, so he would be having less, because for him it was an addiction. I knew this, and I was doing what I thought was the lesser of the evils. I have watched so many people I love struggle with addiction, and I never understood why they couldn’t just stop. I could. I still can. I also keenly remember growing up and being straight edge and promising myself that I would never allow myself to be ‘out of control’. I wanted to be in complete control of my body…

Mental health is the issue here, for me. Whenever I was super anxious or depressed, I would drink more. I would work through it and then stop drinking. I have never experienced withdrawals or anything like that. I would just wake up and not drink for however long. The funny(not funny) things is now, I drink and I just feel like crap. I don’t get that happy buzz any longer, I just feel full and then I usually wake up with a silly headache and this is only after 1 glass of wine!! Listen to your body, it knows.

Anyhow, thanks for sticking with me for this month. I have to give a huge shout out to this amazing woman in my life, because without her, I probably wouldn’t have done this blog. It was her tech savvy ways that taught me a little bit more about this blog world and encouraged me to do it. I am so glad that I did. Thank you xoxo ❤

Thank you to YOU. To every single one of you who have been a part of my life, Lukes life, Mathews life. On this adventure you have shaped our path. You have taught us something that is invaluable for our growth as individuals and as a family. We laughed with you, we cried with you and every where in between. I hope you have a beautiful remainder of your summer! Please, do not be strangers. We love company and we are getting out there more for visits, be persistent and patient 🙂

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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Seriously, thank you.

 

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