If you know me, you know I am terrible with dates, times, years and anything having to do with the past. My Mom and I were chatting yesterday and she asked, ‘Do you know what tomorrow is?’…my response: Wednesday. She told me I was the funniest person she has ever know(I am exaggerating) and reminded me today is the day I adopted Luke in 2010. This whole time I thought it was 2009, but I am guessing that is when he officially moved in with me(duh, I fostered him for a year).
Yesterday I told you all about the things the guys like to do, but I forgot about one thing Luke LOVES to do. See above picture. Luke loves lining cars up, in this picture it is trains, but really he loves lining up anything with wheels. He has his own rhyme/reason for why he chooses the ones he does and what order he decides they go in. He can do this for hours. He recently added a light up jack-o-lantern to the mix and that is kind of funny and terrifying(he lines them up in the spare bedroom, which I have to go through to get to bed, and sometimes it is startling when he leaves the light on).
I already told you everything I could remember about Lukes adoption day earlier in the month, but I wanted to share this photo of him. I had to acknowledge that today was the day so many years ago 🙂 Today, I also ponder life and wonder why things happen the way that they do and for what reason. I hope this blog will remind me to ask my friends who adopted their boys this question: What did your family think? This has come up in a large percentile of my dating life with kids. Everyone thinks I am a saint for adopting these guys, but when it starts getting too close to home, they get pretty nervous. I have spent countless hours talking to a therapist, my Mom and friends about this: no one would actually choose this life for their adult child, and that is ok.
People used to get married, have children, raise them and hope for beautiful grandchildren. Two point five, white picket fence, dog, jobs, etc. No one actually throws children with disabilities into that dream. Who would choose such a life?? I used to think it was a big deal to get married and have a partner who actually wanted to be a parent to these guys just as much as I did, even go so far as to adopt them with me. That is a reality that will actually never come. I am not nay saying it, and I would not turn it down if it magically appeared…but I can say with 100% confidence that there has been the conversation with parents of partners choosing to date me to proceed with caution in regards to my kids(and me…I was a crazy person lol). I even had a candid conversation with my Mom about this and if we are being honest, she would have not chosen this life for me. These guys are a lifetime commitment like no other. My guys will not go off to college, potentially they will not get married, leave home, and if I am being very honest, I hope to all the gods that I am never a grandparent. And to raise them as a single person in the middle of nowhere…completely insane. Now, my Mom would kill me if I did not follow that up with: She loves these boys more than life itself and has and will do absolutely any and everything for them. She cannot imagine life without them and let’s be real, neither can I. Would she have preferred an ‘easier’ life for me, sure! Who wouldn’t!? But one of the best things about my family; I chose it.
Sometimes reality hits me, hard. What will happen to these guys when I die? I don’t have enough money saved if anything ever happened. I live paycheck to paycheck with the hopes that I will pay this house off sooner than later and then be able to save some money. What would happen to them if something happened to me this year? That one makes me cry. Would they think I just abandoned them?? No one would love them like I do. No one would know their quirks or the things they like or don’t like. No one would know how far to push and when to give space. I’d like to think my sister might step up, but she hasn’t really been a part of our lives since I adopted Mathew… Sure, I have friends, but they have lives. More terrifying, what will happen to them when I can no longer take care of myself, never mind them. This is just a constant reminder to live in the moment and love all the special people in your lives.
I can’t control
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be
There’s only now
There’s only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today ~ RENT
Whoa, this got deep, quick.
I have been on edge ever since we elected a president. Today, with the banning of transgender people from the military?? He is such a piece of shit(he hasn’t changed since day one…continual piece of shit). I have been terrified for my guys, for everyone in the LGBTQIA community, and really anyone who isn’t white and privileged. I have also really tried to stay out of politics and areas where I don’t want to fight with anyone…but I will absolutely not be quiet any longer.
I don’t actually ‘identify’, which is hard for some people when we live in a world where we need labels to identify who we are, where we are going, what we are doing. I mean, I am Ruth(fact) and I am a lady(opinion statement). I respect and love everyone who does identify, however they identify. I have crossed paths with all letters on the LGBTQIA letter board and they are all amazing. I don’t care who you are, if you are a good person, who believes all humans deserve human rights, then you are alright in my book, oh…and animals and their rights… 🙂
I think what is really not sitting well with me is this question: what are we missing? Is this really a distraction for some even worse stuff that is happening in our country? And how do we know?
If you haven’t seen the movie, V for Vendetta, I strongly recommend it.
V: People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.